''hey''
''hey'' pobožal me je po licu in nasmehnila sem se. potem me je objel in še nekaj časa sva ležala. dal mi je lupčka na čelo.
''I'll make us some breakfast, okay?''
''okay''
''wait up for me, I'll bring it here''
nasmehnila sem se in pokimala.
''okay'' je zašepetal. potem je šel iz sobe. še nekaj časa sem ležala, potem pa sem se preoblekla. potem sem vzela telefon. nisem imela kaj delati, zato sem šla gledati slike, ki jih imam v galeriji, saj jih že dolgo nisem. večina slik je bila z Justinom, zato sem se ves čas smehljala. nekaj časa sem ''slidala'' po telefonu, naenkrat pa... tears. solze, solze, solze. nisem jih mogla ustaviti. na vrsto je prišla slika, ki sem jo slikala poleti. na njej je bil Johnny. vesel, nasmejan Johnny, ki je kazal samo dobro, skrival pa je vse stvari, ki so se dogajale v preteklosti. začela sem jokati, kot sem takrat, ko sem izvedela, da ga ni več. nisem se mogla ustaviti. začela sem se vleči za lase in se dreti. telefon sem vrgla v kot. slišali so se hitri koraki po stopnicah. hotela sem se malo umiriti, ampak se nisem mogla. v sobo je prišel Jusin.
''Sell, what's wrong?'' hlipala sem. reči nisem mogla ničesar. Justin je videl telefon na tleh. pobral ga je in ga odklenil. nabrale so se mu solze.
''no, no baby, don't cry'' je hlipal. tudi on se ni mogel zadržati.
''I'm so sorry'' je zajokal.
usedel se je zraven mene.
''I miss him so mu..he died so wrong...he shouldn't..'' to je bilo vse kar sem spravila iz sebe.
''I know.. I know..''
''Justin?'' sem rekla, ko sem se vsaj približno pomirila.
''yeah?''
vzdihnila sem.
''don't ever leave me.. if you do, I have nothing left.'' objel me je.
''baby.. I... I won't. I promise. I love you.'' močno me je stisnil.
''you know how much?'' nasmehnila sem se.
''to the moon, to every single star, thru every galaxy, around them and back. you know hom much is this?''
v solzah sem se zasmejala in pokimala. nasmehnil se je.
''well, in case if you don't... it's a lot.'' sedela sva na tleh. jaz sem bila v njegovem naročju. počasi, zelo počasi me je zibal in s tem tolažil. dal mi je lupčka na lice in čelo. potem je Justin vzel moj telefon in ga odklenil. odprlo se je na Johnnyjevi sliki. tokrat nisem zajokala. tokrat sem gledala Johnnyjev nasmeh.
''he knew how to pretend to be happy..'' sem rekla.
''no Selly. here, this picture- see that smile? it's a real one. he was happy when he was with you and he didn't pretend to be. he had the best moments in his life with you. can you imagine? you were his favourite person. you made him happy. and don't blame yourself because you left and came to me. be happy, because you draw a smile on his face.''
nasmehnila sem se. potem sem dala sliko naprej in bila je še ena Johnnyjeva. in še ena. in še ena. in še veliko drugih. gledala sem jih in se iz obupa smehljala vsem trenutkom.
''I love you, Justin.''
''I love you too. forever.''
''do you even know how he died?''
''not really.. but I conclude he wasn't really..''
''happy? people cell him gay. faggot. useles. they cell him like this since he was a child. and then in highschool they started to beat him and saying that they will kill him if he won't kill himself. he started to cut but nobody knew. nobody knew that words hurt him. nobody understood him. he lived without a father and that's why he was gay for them. because he grew up only with his mom... and then I met him and people knew for me and you. that's why they were afraid to say bad things.. and then I just left.. with no heart. I was such a bitch..''
''Selly stop saying this! it's not true! it's not your fault! you didn't know.''
''Justin he was safe with me! and when I wasn't around people wanted him to die! they beated him on every corner of the street. and if I wouldn't left he would be alive and we would all be happy''
''you're crazy. you didn't know. if you would know, of course you would stay. but Johnny didn't tell you for bad things that happened to him. and it's not your fault. could you please understand that?'' jokala sem. po nekem času sem pokimala. spet me je objel.
''I know it's hard. but you'll have to accept it once. he's gone and he'll never be back. but everytime you think about him, you mustn't think about how or why he died. you have to think about his smile and laugh and all the good things. you promise?''
pokimala sem.
''okay.''
''but... there's one thing I'm afraid of..''
''what?''
''you're being called gay, idiot and so on too.. and I'm just so afraid.. that you'll finally have enaugh of all the shit and you'll just..quit.. or even end up like Johnny.. I'm so scared of loosing you in any way..'' sem zahlipala.
''no..no, honey. I don't care about haters. you know that the half of a world loves me and are my Beliebers. and I know that I have them and my family and my Bieber crew and of course you. and knowing that I have you means the most to me. and I promise I'll never break down because of haters. it's hard. and it's really horrible how they call me or anybody else. but I know that nobody's perfect and I'm not either.''
''yeah, you're perfect Justin'' nasmehnil se je.
''I'm very far from perfect. but I don't care. because I know I'm always me, even if I do mistakes. everybody does mistakes. but we learn from them. and it's nothing wrong with mistakes. I swear to God that I will never get enaugh of the ones that I love and you'll never lose me.''
objela sem ga. potem sem šlav kopalnico, da bi se umila.
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