I am so sorry. Rest in peace, Johnny. :( ♥
@SeellyTheBelieber I miss you. everything's gonna be alright.♥
I didn't know you but still. you'll stay in our hearts. r.i.p Johnny. </3
in še veliko drugih. vse sem mu retweetala. potem sem šla na svoj profil in še jaz napisala:
why did this happen? I'll never forgive myself. I'm so so so sorry Johnny. R.I.P. you'll always stay here-->♥.I love you ♥
pogledala sem med trende in tretji po vrsti je bil: #RIPJohnny. o moj bog. malo sem gledala kdo je to pisal in seveda je bilo večina Belieberjev.
thank you so much #Beliebers. I love you♥ <--sem napisala še en tweet. med drugimi, je oba tweeta retweetal tudi Justin. potem sem dobila direktno sporočilo. (Justin)
hey baby, are you okay?:(
hey Justin.. no I'm actually not.
is it because of Johnny or something else happened?
no..yes..both. I found out it was my fault yesterday.
what was your fault?
Johnny died because of me
what? no! Selly nothing is your fault! stop thinking like this! just.. oh God.. Selly please don't think you're guilty..
Justin you don't know the whole story! you don't know how or why he died..
no I don't. but I know nothing is your fault.
when I'll tell you everything you will understand.
no. I'll think the same. and stop now. it's not your fault. okay?
okay.
I wanna be with you right now...
don't even talk about it.. I miss you so much..
yeah...me too..
Justin?
yeah?
I.. I don't know what I wanted to say. I just don't want to stop talking to you..
you don't have to. we can talk all day. :)
actually no..because I have to buy a new dress for tomorrows funural..
oh... I wish I could go with you :(
me too :( but I won't buy a new dress. I'm too lazy to go outside and I have dark circles on my face(podočnjaki) .. I don't feel like going outside..
then don't go. do things you want to do, have a rest, I don't know. as you wish. just don't be...I know it's not really possible but don't be sad so much.. because it hurts to know my baby isn't fine and I'm not there with her..
I'll stop thinking about bad things till tomorrow. don't worry. :)
liar.
yeah, they often call me that..
I didn't mean it. I just know you can't stop thinking about all bad that happens and that's okay. but I really wanna hug you right now
:(
Justin:
:)♥
Selly?
yeah?
I'm so sorry but I really have to go.:(
okay..
can we talk after my show?
sure:)
okay. I love you, bye♥
love you more. bye♥
zaprla sem računalnik. oči je potrkal na vrata in me vprašal, če bom kaj jedla. rekla sem ne, ker nisem mogla vase spraviti ničesar. cel dan sem bila zaklenjena v sobi- ležala kavču, razmišljala, spala, jokala. zvečer sem že v 8492048938 gledala A Walk To Remember. jokala sem kot dojenček, pa ne zaradi filma. razmišljala sem o Jade. pogrešala sem jo. že dolgo se sploh nisva slišali. upam, da je vsaj ona v redu. upam, da se ima dobro. danes je oči šel do dedka(tistega, ki je živel z babico, ki je poleti umrla) in bo tam ostal en teden. tja je šel zato, ker je dedi sam in se mu je poslabšalo. baje ni nič hujšega ampak vseeno.
''Selly if you're feeling better when I'm home I can stay'' je rekel preden je šel.
''no dad. go to grandpa and take care of him''
''are you sure?''
''of course. don't worry about me''
''well.. I can't just not worry about you. but Sam will be here with you, okay?''
''okay.'' dal mi je lupčka na čelo in potem šel k dedku. jaz sem šla v sobo. notri je prišel Sam.
''Selly?''
''yeah?''
''my friend cell me and invited me to his birthday party..''
''go'' sem ga prekinila.
''really?''
''of course, you don't need my permission..''
''yeah, but you'll stay alone if I go and I'll be worried then..''
''don't worry about me and have fun.''
''okay. but we'll really have a big party so I guess I'll sleep over there..''
''okay. say hello to... well whoever'' sem se zasmejala.
''okay I will. byee'' se je zasmejal nazaj. potem je šel. ugasnila sem luč v sobi in šla na posteljo. prižgala sem depresivno muziko in na pol spala. jokala sem in, ko sem se pogledala v ogledalo sem imela velike podočnjake. sedela sem na postelji in razmišljala- nobenega ni doma. ne morem več. alkohol pomaga? kaj če grem v kuhinjo in kaj poiščem? sigurno je tam kaj. res sem šla v kuhinjo in odprla omaro pod umivalnikom. pa kaj, če enkrat nekaj spijem? noben ne bo opazil in bilo bi samo enkrat. našla sem martini. uh, v redu. ne vem kaj je to. kako se to pije? ahh who cares, res mi je bilo vseeno. vzela sem ga in šla v sobo. zaklenila sem se za vsak slučaj. steklenico sem imela v roki in jo gledala. potem sem ga odprla. najprej sem ga povohala in res je smrdel. sploh hočem alkohol? ja. hotela sem se napiti in pozabiti na vse. hitro sem naslonila steklenico na ustnice in jo nagnila. streslo me je. malo sem nehala ampak kmalu spet začela. sedela sem na tleh in pila martini kot bi pila vodo. kmalu ga je pol zmanjkalo. nisem mogla verjeti. nikoli nisem hotela spiti niti piva, niti majhnega požirka alkohola, zdaj pa... ah. Y.O.L.O. saj gre vse narobe. vseeno mi je. naj bo kar hoče. še naprej sem pila tisti shit in bila pokonci pozno v noč. ne spomnim se ničesar. naslednji dan sem se zbudila na tleh in v roki sem držala steklenico. v sobi je smrdelo po alkoholu. omfg. pila sem? kaj? sem čisto neumna? spila sem... CELO STEKLENICO MARTINIJA? omg. pogledala sem se v ogledalo. imela sem ogromne podočnjake, rdeče oči, skuštrane lase... sama sebi sem bila ogabna, zato kar sem naredila. sem res mogla? sovražim se. šele potem sem se spomnila. Johnny. pogreb. kaj bom? kako naj prekrijem, da sem pila? fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck. kako sem lahko tako neumna? na dan pogre..ne morem pomisliti na to. moj najboljši prijatelj je umrl in jaz sem se en dan pred njegovim pogrebom napila. kaj je z mano? hitro sem si umila lase in oblekla tisto črno obleko, ki sem jo imela na babičinem pogrebu. na obraz sem si dala toliko pudra, da je prekril podočnjake. potem sem nanesla še nekaj ličil in spet sem izgledala nekako normalno. pogreb je bil čez eno uro. do tam sem imela kar nekaj časa, če sem šla peš, saj tako in tako nisem imela prevoza. upala sem, da bo Sam vseeno prišel na pogreb. za očija je bilo tako ali tako logično, da ne bo prišel, saj je bil na drugem koncu Kanade. ampak saj je vseeno. šla sem od doma, saj sem hotela biti tam prva. pa nisem bila. tam je bila že njegova mami. šla sem do nje in jo objela. obe sva jokali. počasi so se ljudje zbirali in kmalu nas je bilo polno. sami odrasli ljudje. si moraš misliti? ni imel prijateljev. samo mene. in jaz sem se napila dan pred njegovim pogrebom. bravo. sovražim se. cel pogreb sem jokala kot neumna. prišel je tudi Sam in zato sem bila boljše volje, kot bi bila, če ga ne bi bilo. vsi ljudje so mi izrekali sožalja in zato je bilo še težje. ko so že vsi šli, sem ostala sama na pokopališču. usedla sem se pred Johnnyjev grob in ga gledala. vseeno mi je bilo, kako neumno sem izpadla, ampak začela sem se pogovarjati z njim.
''I know I didn't know you so long but you really became my friend. and I'm so sorry. this shouldn't happen. you should told me about things that happened in your life before we met. everything would be different. I would stay home and I wouldn't go with Justin. I'm so sorry I left you here alone.'' spet sem začela jokati, ampak še vedno sem govorila.
''I'll really miss you Johnny... why did you do this to me? and to your mom? why did you even listen to all the other people who hated you for no fucking reason?! they just had fucked up lives and they couldn't say anything nice. you shouldn't let them break you. they aren't worth of anything. I would kill them all now.'' sem hlipala. začel je pihati topel veter. zaprla sem oči in mislila na lepe dneve, ki sem jih doživela z Johnnyjem. ko sem pomislila na ves tisti smeh, ko sem se smejala njemu in njegovim hecom, ko sem se smejala kako neroden je bil. v solzah sem se začela smejati. še enkrat sem pogledala grob in se nasmehnila. vstala sem. položila sem roko na kamen, kjer je pisalo John Bennet.
''I'll miss you, Johnny.'' sem še rekla in potem sem šla. pot do doma nisem jokala, ampak sem se smehljala. spominjala sem se dobrih stvari, ki sem jih počela z njim. poznala sem ga komaj.. 5 mesecev? ampak to je bilo 5 najbolj nepozabnih mesecov mojega življenja. koliko dobrega se je zgodilo. spoznala sem Justina in se zaljubila vanj. spoznala sem Johnnyja, ki je bil res dober prijatelj. tudi z Jade je bilo to poletje najlepše in najzabavnejše poletje kar sva jih kdajkoli imeli. ampak vse je šlo. Justin je na turneji, Jade na križarjenju, Johnny.. on je šel, v eni noči sem spila celo steklenico alkohola. vmes sem ugotovila, da sem jaz kriva za Johnnyjevo smrt. ampak hotela sem odmisliti vse te slabe stvari in se spomniti na dobre. teh je bilo toliko... ampak niti ene nikoli ne bom pozabila. zunaj je bilo sončno in glede na to, da je bil december, je bilo dosti toplo. prišla sem domov in šla v sobo. prižgala sem računalnik in se spomnila, da sva se z Justinom zmenila, da se bi včeraj zvečer še pogovarjala po twitterju. ampak neee, jaz sem se raje nalila s steklenico martinija in mi je bilo za vse vseeno. sovražim se. v sobo je prišel Sam in me vprašal, če bom jedla. rekla sem, da ne.
''Selly you have to eat something''
''I can't. I'm not hungry. I'll eat dinner, okay?''
''okay'' je zavzdihnil in šel iz sobe. šla sem na twitter in imela sem nova sporočila.
hey Selly, I'm back...
so...
are you there?
well I guess you're sleeping. okay. talk to you tomorrow. night sweetie;*
joj. ne morem mu povedati, da sem pila. niti mu nisem mogla lagati. ampak sem se mogla, če nisem hotela, da bi se jezil name. prvič sem se mu zlagala.
hey Justin.. sorry I fell asleep yesterday.. sorry:(
hitro je odgovoril.
hey baby.. no it's okay. I know you're tired. :) so.. how was the funeral?
I guess I was the youngest there. and I cried all the time. and his mom looked so exhausted...
why would you be the youngest?:o I don't get this... yeah I believe you. I wish I could be there :c
I'll explane everything to you when you get home. and yeah.. I wish that too. it wouldn't be that hard if you would be there.
okay. I'm so sorry.. :(
well.. it's over. and hahahaha..
what? what's funny? :D
it will sound weird..
I don't care as long as I see you're laughing:)
I was sad and everything, but when everyone went home I sat in front of Johnny's grave and I started to talk with him.. and I remembered all the good memories and from that moment I smile all day:)
yeah.. sometimes it helps if you just talk to someone. or something. hahahah but you know.. you let all the bad things you know out of you and then you're calmed and happy.. I mean... that helps a lot of people. even me:)
yeah? and when did you feel like you need to talk to someone?
well..there's a lot of this times.. and when this time comes I just.. I don't know.. yell at my room wall? or whatever..
Justin you don't need to yell at your wall. you can always talk to me. and you should never get the lonely feeling. because I'm always with you, even if I'm not phisically right beside you. okay?
same for you. and if we fight it's nothing like I wouldn't love you, okay? it's just because.. I don't know. because I'm stupid and I let stupid words that I don't mean out of my mouth.
no you're not stupid and stop talking this shit. I love you, okay?
I love you back. to infinity and beyond.♥
♥
I'll go back to sleep now.. okay?
yeah me too. talk to you later?
yup. bye♥
bye♥
potem sem res zaspala.
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